9 weeks in my womb
A minute on our hands
A day in our home
A lifetime in our hearts
On our third month as husband and wife, God blessed us with a child. The blessing was unexpected but never unwanted. We were overjoyed to become parents, especially with the fact that we get to conceive easily.
However, our joy was succeeded by sorrow. Our blessing comes with a testing.
January 17, 2019
On our first ultrasound scan at 9 weeks age of gestation, our baby did not show any signs of a beating heart. We were anxious and scared. My husband and I already wept upon knowing, but we prayed and hold on to hope that our child will have his/her heartbeat. We waited for two days until the confirmatory scan, that was the longest two days of our lives.
January 19, 2019
The second scan happened and our child’s heart was still not beating. We were advised to have it medically aborted/removed. We bought the prescribed medicines that will expel our baby in my womb.
As we reached home, carrying the medicines, the two of us cannot even look at it, so we prayed until I was able to take the pills. After one dose, we cried and rested. We held each other’s hands, mending our broken hearts.
My husband and I were devastated. Imagine we were just 4 months in our marriage, and yet we had to face such a trial.
But, we believe it was a testing of faith and character. It was a test of how we will still look at God who has given us His only begotten son, Jesus Christ, and allowed Him to suffer and die. It was a test of how each one of us will deal with pain and a crushed spirit.
I could not say that the two of us passed the test with flying colors. We were shakened but we hold on to God.
January 20, 2019
After taking atleast two doses of the medicine, we still chose to attend a Sunday Worship Service. My husband and I chose to cry out to God and listen to His words rather than seclude ourselves in our sorrows. We had dinner in a fancy restaurant after the service, wherein I get to read a blog of women who also lost their children in the womb. One line striked me the most from Rica Peralejo’s blog, it is something like,
“We may not be able to hold our children in our arms but we know that God’s hands are holding them.”
Those words made me cry again. I told my husband that I hope we will be able to touch and see our child’s embryo. We have been told by our OB that the embryo will only look like a blood clot once I expelled it.
Lo and behold, after we leave the restaurant, a gush of water came out of me, so we rushed to the nearest comfort room and when I had my undies down, I delivered all by myself an embryo, clean and whole.
God has heard the cry and the desire of our sorrowful and broken hearts. We were able to hold our child with our hands.
We went home immediately but I bleed continously and profusely, thus I needed to be rushed to the hospital and had a complete surgical removal of the products of conception the following day. After discharge, we buried our child’s embryo in one of our house plants.
We are still moving on from the loss and the gain that we have early this year, believing in our hearts that the excruciating pain we felt early on in our marriage is a testimony of our marriage someday.
It was never easy to let go of a blessing and a bundle of joy we only held for a short time. But, we trust that God’s plans are better than the temporary pain we felt.
Since heaven is far way better than here on earth, we are comforted that our child is in God’s good hands. The assurance of eternity awaiting us, gives us the hope that one day we’ll be with our child in heaven.
I was supposed to give our child the nickname “Samwise”, after my favorite hobbit, and his/her real name will be “Samuel or Samuelle”, which means God has heard. But for now, we’ll remember him/her as “Sam“, until he/she is in our arms again.