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God Has Heard

9 weeks in my womb

A minute on our hands

A day in our home

A lifetime in our hearts

On our third month as husband and wife, God blessed us with a child. The blessing was unexpected but never unwanted. We were overjoyed to become parents, especially with the fact that we get to conceive easily.

However, our joy was succeeded by sorrow. Our blessing comes with a testing.

January 17, 2019

On our first ultrasound scan at 9 weeks age of gestation, our baby did not show any signs of a beating heart. We were anxious and scared. My husband and I already wept upon knowing, but we prayed and hold on to hope that our child will have his/her heartbeat. We waited for two days until the confirmatory scan, that was the longest two days of our lives.

January 19, 2019

The second scan happened and our child’s heart was still not beating. We were advised to have it medically aborted/removed. We bought the prescribed medicines that will expel our baby in my womb.

As we reached home, carrying the medicines, the two of us cannot even look at it, so we prayed until I was able to take the pills. After one dose, we cried and rested. We held each other’s hands, mending our broken hearts.

My husband and I were devastated. Imagine we were just 4 months in our marriage, and yet we had to face such a trial.

But, we believe it was a testing of faith and character. It was a test of how we will still look at God who has given us His only begotten son, Jesus Christ, and allowed Him to suffer and die. It was a test of how each one of us will deal with pain and a crushed spirit.

I could not say that the two of us passed the test with flying colors. We were shakened but we hold on to God.

January 20, 2019

After taking atleast two doses of the medicine, we still chose to attend a Sunday Worship Service. My husband and I chose to cry out to God and listen to His words rather than seclude ourselves in our sorrows. We had dinner in a fancy restaurant after the service, wherein I get to read a blog of women who also lost their children in the womb. One line striked me the most from Rica Peralejo’s blog, it is something like,

“We may not be able to hold our children in our arms but we know that God’s hands are holding them.”

Those words made me cry again. I told my husband that I hope we will be able to touch and see our child’s embryo. We have been told by our OB that the embryo will only look like a blood clot once I expelled it.

Lo and behold, after we leave the restaurant, a gush of water came out of me, so we rushed to the nearest comfort room and when I had my undies down, I delivered all by myself an embryo, clean and whole.

God has heard the cry and the desire of our sorrowful and broken hearts. We were able to hold our child with our hands.

We went home immediately but I bleed continously and profusely, thus I needed to be rushed to the hospital and had a complete surgical removal of the products of conception the following day. After discharge, we buried our child’s embryo in one of our house plants.

We are still moving on from the loss and the gain that we have early this year, believing in our hearts that the excruciating pain we felt early on in our marriage is a testimony of our marriage someday.

It was never easy to let go of a blessing and a bundle of joy we only held for a short time. But, we trust that God’s plans are better than the temporary pain we felt.

Since heaven is far way better than here on earth, we are comforted that our child is in God’s good hands. The assurance of eternity awaiting us, gives us the hope that one day we’ll be with our child in heaven.

I was supposed to give our child the nickname “Samwise”, after my favorite hobbit, and his/her real name will be “Samuel or Samuelle”, which means God has heard. But for now, we’ll remember him/her as “Sam, until he/she is in our arms again.

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Woman: Stop Calling Yourself A Victim

Happy Women’s Month to all the amazing women out there! Cheers to another year of awesomeness being a woman! May we all grow to be the best version of women this world needs. 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

This post is more of an insight on the recent buzz that I’ve been seeing all over social media about ‘the other women’ calling themselves “victims” of cheating husbands. I’m not really a patola (reactive) over such crazy social media issues, but at this age and time, saying “I really don’t know” or “I’m innocent” is something you cannot use as an excuse for your shortcomings. With the technology that we have today, how can you not know if the man you are dating or going out with is not married?

If ignorance of the law excuses no one, then ignorance of your so-called boyfriend’s marital status won’t excuse you as well.

I remember the first time when my then new friend (now husband) told me that he is not using his Facebook account because he forgot the password. My instinct already told me that he is lying. Days later he confessed that he actually knows his password but won’t use it for awhile until he made sure first that all traces of his past 8-year relationship are deleted. He humbly said sorry and repented for lying at first.

He also showed me all his valid IDs and PDS (Personal Data Sheet) or resumé before he pursued me. That was his way of introducing his full identity to me. Note that IDs usually contain contact details of spouse or parents (for singles). That’s why I know and confident that he’s single, but I didn’t settle with only those piece of information.

When he finally said he was going to pursue me, I did a background check of him. We don’t have common friends, so just imagine how hard it is for me to find knowledge about him. Thankfully, I have friends with connections to his line of work. We were able to call key people who has a direct authority over him. I call this as the Character Referencing.

I also observed how he acts around his friends — Does he look secretive? Is he intimidating his friends to speak only good things about him? Is he willing to take me out with his closest buddies and family members? Moreover, is he proud that he is dating me? Is he willing to introduce me to the world that I am his and he is mine? Naturally, men takes pride with what they have. If they can post their new shoes on Facebook but not your face, then there’s something you should worry about.

And, before I gave my “Yes” to him, I asked for a Cenomar (Certificate of No Marriage). Because I want to make sure that I am not dating someone else’s man. The Cenomar was even delivered to my office address from PSA to make sure it is not tampered at all.

You see, in this age and time, there are so many ways to find out if a man is married or not. Try Google!

Above all, look for God’s leading and ask for godly advise. Surround yourself with women who will be there to check on you and rebuke you when necessary. There are so many women out there who kept their relationship status to themselves, believing that they can handle their relationships alone. I’m telling you, you cannot do it alone. You need accountability, but make sure that your accountability partners are from the Lord.

Woman, know that your brain is above your deceitful heart.

Stop calling yourself a victim because the only victims in a ruined marriage (out of an extramarital affair) is the wife and her children.

You are not innocent. You are ignorant.

You are not a victim. You are an accomplice for letting the suspect get away.

You should not seek pity. You should seek more wisdom.

To the single women reading this, may you choose to be wise with when and who to date, so that at the end of the day, you will not call yourself a victim. You are meant to be pursued. You are loved. And, you are destined for victory.

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Going Less Waste

A new lifestyle is underway. And, Yes I’ll be writing more of living sustainably soon. 🌿 Let me start with being mindful of what we put into “Waste”.

The new wife in me is grateful that I got married in the generation where Minimalism, KonMari Method, and Zero Waste Living thrive.

Quote from Pinterest

Image created with Canva

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What Adam Failed to do

Reflection on Chats, Small Talks, and Random Conversations in Dating and Marriage…

In the latter part of our engagement and first months of our marriage, Julius and I started practicing full transparency with each other. We share all the passwords, and we have given each other access to all our social media and bank accounts.

At first it was hard and very difficult for me to have someone read ALL my messages with other people specially those from my previous conversations. I was also scared that he may not understand the context of my conversations and he might judge me based on what I’ve said or who I was communicating with back then. But, I’m so thankful that Julius never judged me for my colorful past life in the same way I accepted his.

However, one thing Julius did after we officially wed is that he “blocked” or removed some people on my Facebook friends list and asked me not to communicate with those people anymore. I believe that He was wise in that action. He also told me not to use some words or phrases when conversing to others most especially to my ‘male’ friends. He told me how inappropriate those words are and that it won’t sound right for a married woman to say such words.

I cannot contest to my husband’s wisdom because the Lord says, “submit to your husband in everything“.😉 (Ephesians 5:24)

As I was studying the account of the first married couple in the Bible, Adam and Eve, I realized that if only Adam forbid his wife from having a small talk with the serpent, then she would not have been lured by it. If only Adam did not fail to stop his wife, then both of them could have been spared from sinning.

What Adam failed to do was to protect his wife from the tempting small talk that caused mankind’s eternal damnation.

With this revelation, I am grateful that my husband protects me and shields me from conversations, be it a deep one or a simple chitchat, that might lead into sin.

Truly, it matters who you marry!

Disclaimer to the SINGLES out there:

There’s a borderline between insecurity and accountability. You should not just share everything that you have to your partner out of transparency reasons or to prevent (treat) jealousy.

Ladies, you are not yet to submit. And Gents, you are not yet to lord. 😊

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Apat na Buwan Pa Lang

Apat na buwan pa lang mula nang tayo’y pinag-isa

Sandali pa lang naman pala

Sa pakiramdam ay sobrang tagal na

Apat na buwan na puno nang iyak at tawa

Nasugatan ng malalim pero kinakaya

Masakit man, nagagawa pa rin magsaya

Apat na buwan pa lang, pero tayo’y sinubok na

Parang quota na agad sa sakit at luha

Sobra pa sa iniyak natin sa isang taon na tayo’y mag-jowa

Apat na buwan pa lang na puno nang aral at alaala

Na isusulat ko sa iba’t ibang tula

Upang baunin natin hanggang sa pagtanda

Apat na buwan pa lang sa pangarap nating lima o anim na dekada

Marami pa tayong isasayaw at ikakanta

Hanggang sa daliri mo’y di na kayang mag-gitara

Apat na buwan pa lang tayong mag-asawa

Ang dami na nating malalim na buntong hininga

Buti na lang nasa Diyos ang ating pag-asa

Apat na buwan pa lang tayong nagsisimula

Malayo pa tayo kahit sa gitna

Pagsubok siguro ay marami pa

Apat na buwan pa lang, may habambuhay pa

Wala namang di kakayanin, ‘di ba?

Hanggang kapit natin ang isa’t isa

Apat na buwan pa lang ang lumipas at nawala,

May mga darating na bukas pa

Haharapin natin lahat na magkasama

Apat na buwan pa lang ngayon, Papa

Marami pang buwan at taon na mamahalin kita

Dahil “hanggang wala nang bukas” ang pangako natin sa isa’t isa

and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh – Mark 10:8

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When God Sees (The Wedding Proposal Part II)

It took me a year to be able to finally write the Part II of my ex-boyfriend’s (now husband) wedding proposal. The Part I contains all the details of what actually transpired on the day, but this post is intended to share something that is invisible to the eyes when he proposed — a heart matter.

Let me start with how unworthy I was. I am not a perfect woman. I am a sinner who desperately needs a Savior. I sin and fall short from the glory of Jesus. In the area of dating and relationship, I’ve stumbled and fall many times. In the area of purity, be physical or emotional, I was not a good example.

My heart was filthy, deceiptful, and corrupt. I know God’s holiness cannot look at such a heart, yet I know He sees and hears all my deepest desires. The following details of Julius’ wedding proposal last year are my evidences:

1) The Age

When I was a little girl, I always say that I will marry at the age of 28, just like my Aunts, Myleen and Mae. Over and over again, I claim in my heart that at 28 years old I will be with the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life. At 25, I still didn’t have a boyfriend; my heart was at its darkest but the longing was still there. On the night I exactly turned 28, Julius came into my life. Months after, he asked me to marry him.

Of all my impatience and immaturity over the past years, God still delivered on the dot! He hears what my heart repeatedly says since I was a little girl.

2) The BACKPACK

Shallow as it may sound but some years ago my longing heart and careless mind desired something from a viral photo online. It was a collage of the proposal for the actresses, Kaye Abad and Bianca Gonzales. Both proposals were purely candid that the ladies were not even dressed up for it. They were just on their casual get up with a backpack. So, I carelessly (but hopefully) shared back then that I will always bring my backpack with me just in case someone publicly propose for a marriage.

This was the photo I shared before.

On the day that Julius’ proposed, I totally did not have the will to dress up much more wear make-up. I didn’t even wash my hair, thus I still have the braided hair from the other day. I chose to wear a comfortable jeans, a loose blouse, and flats, which didn’t make me look like a College Instructor.

Now here’s the best part. When Julius’ comrades walked me out of the faculty room to bring me to the proposal scene, we were already at the door but I went back and said I’ll just get my bag. They told me that no need for it, but something inside me wants to really bring my bag.

Now, I believe, it was God telling me, “Hey! You’ve dreamed this before. Go get that backpack of yours!”

img_5653By the way, that backpack was bought by Julius himself.

3. The RING

The ring that Julius bought for me, the size and its simplicity is the one I always have in mind and heart. I did not desire for any other stones or designs. I just want it plain and simple. When Julius opened the red box with a shaking hand, I looked at the ring and I was at my happiest, knowing that it is what I really wanted.

 

4. The CENTENNIAL FOREST

I always wanted to have a public proposal. There, I finally said it out loud — that’s a hidden desire of my heart. I even want to have it in a carnival, either in front of a carousel or a ferris wheel.

However, when Julius and I watched Erwan’s proposal to Anne, I told him I want it to be as simple and meaningful as theirs, so he should just propose privately to me at home. But, Julius said that he will also propose to me in a forest. I took that as a joke, but God sees and hears everything; He turns and makes things beautiful in His time. Julius did propose in Muntinlupa’s Centennial Forest with so many students watching. It was public yet still intimate.

 

5. The MAN

I grow up desiring a man of action, a knight in shining armor. Would you believe that one of my all time favorite movies is Pearl Harbor? I guess that’s one of the reasons I took up Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I always feel like I’m a woman destined to a warrior who can fight and win battles for me (and with me). I even remember writing about choosing the Knight over Jack the Giant Slayer if I was the princess in the story.

When I first laid my eyes on Julius, my initial impression of him is that he was just a “boy” or “helper” of the Special Forces assigned outside our home. He was always in sando and shorts, preparing their meals, washing the dishes, and cleaning around the kitchen. He was also the one who would go to the market to buy their supplies. He didn’t look like a prince or a knight in shining armor to me but more of a servant. And, that servant heart of Julius totally won me over.

When he proposed, that was the very first time I saw him in his uniform! I looked at him smiling at me and he is handsome. As he went near and knelt before me, I know my prince has arrived.

God saw my heart’s desires, and He knew that I’ll be in good hands with a man who has a servant heart, with a knight’s courage, and a prince-like character. No wonder why God keeps on redeeming me from the frogs I thought were princes before.

It has been a year since I said “Yes” to Julius. It has also been a year of saying “Yes” to God’s faithfulness.

God sees the darkest and dirtiest parts of my heart but He loves so much to still grant its deepest desires.

Truly, God sees and hears our deep longings even our shallow musings. And, he is faithful to give every little desire as long as it is aligned to His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.” – Psalm‬ ‭139:1-4‬