DOUBLE – MINDED: Of Cliff Diving and Stubborn Mind to Jump in Doubt

Last week has been an awesome one for me and my friends in the ministry. We have decided to spend the “holydays” at Zambales for camping and a whole lot more. This ‘whole lot more’ includes trekking and rock climbing plus cliff diving under the heat of a Friday noon.

Adventurous as I am, cliff diving has never been part of my to-do list in life. Getting to the cliff was already a challenge, but mind you, I was the very first one among my friends to get to the edge of the cliff, thinking only of getting there but not jumping. My sole intention of going to the cliff was to be with my friends who wanted to cliff dive. However, while we were on the edge of the cliff or the jump off point, a big part of me wants to jump. I was thinking of the fact that I am already there, why not jump, right? This may only happen once. I told my friends that I wanted to jump, so they cheered me up. They were the best cheering crowd ever!

After hours of attempting to jump and empty batteries of cellphones and cameras to capture my moment, I never jumped. I did not take that leap of desire. Fear was there inside me, but it did not consume me. I had faith. The reason why I did not jump was because I don’t have the peace of mind to do so. I even prayed in tongues while on the cliff, forgetting the fact that there were non-believers around us. Deep inside me, I was asking God to give me the go signal. I want to hear the still, small voice that says, “Go, Ram! Jump now!” But, there was none.

Will I jump because I really wanted to, even if I don’t have the peace inside me? Or, will I rest my case and let God smile at me?

I did not surrender easily though. My stubborn mind and strong desire to jump was strong, so I battled with my thoughts. Will I jump because I really wanted to, even if I don’t have the peace inside me? Or, will I rest my case and let God smile at me? There was a time when I really, really aimed to jump, shouting “I’m the queen of the world”, but to my surprise, I still failed to jump. It was as if there was a strong force that stopped and balanced my feet on the edge of the cliff, making me stand still.

My friends were right; I do not have to prove anything to them and to myself.  At the very first place, I reached that cliff without the desire to jump, yet I was only tempted because I was already there. How many humans had this temptation? I know I’m not alone.

Was it easy to give up my desire easily because God is not leading me? Definitely, it was not. I bargained of jumping from the not-so-high jump off point.


There were lot of time that I placed myself in the verge of my desires over the peace within, and many times I jumped off, leading me to sin, regrets, pain and tears. These were the times that I considered the “what if’s” and the “why not God?” These were the times that I am so self-consumed that I dwell on the “I want it” over the “Will this please God?” These were the times that obedience was difficult, yet fulfilling. The cliff diving was just one of these times, and never did I regret that I failed to jump. I had the peace to go down and accept the fact that it wasn’t my moment yet.

I do not know what could have happened to me if I jumped off that high cliff, but one thing I am sure of, I had the peace of mind of not doing it double-mindedly. At the end of it all, I still want to jump off the cliff, maybe next time when my mind is at peace of doing so.

Kerzey, Ben and the rest of them who successfully jumped off the cliff were in full mind of jumping, while I was double-minded. This reminds me of Oswald Chamber’s words,

Never run before God’s guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt – don’t.

To dive into fun and excitement could have been very easy, but the consequence of disobedience will be very terrible. The choice will always be ours to make, to jump out of stubborn desire or to stay in peace.


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Swept Away

Some time last year, there was a man who handed me a beautiful rose. He did plan to surprise me with it, and I knew how much effort he exerts just to give me that. However, I wasn’t good at hiding my real feelings. When he gave me the long-stemmed, red rose, I was not at all surprise neither extremely glad to receive it. My face shows it all. He said he was hurt with my response. He was expecting that I would be very happy with the rose, but I was not.

Honestly, deep inside I was happy with his efforts in pursuing me, but I am not totally knocked off my feet with such gesture neither did I went head over heels with it.  A rose cannot easily sweep me away, even if it makes my heart smile.


As I reflect on the passion of Christ on the cross, it dawned on me that I have been swept away by a man crowned with thorns, a man who pursued me not with things in this world but with His very own life. What Jesus Christ did on the cross was more than enough for me to know my worth and that I am loved. It was the greatest expression of love that I have received. Who can beat that? No man ever, right?

I did appreciate all this man’s efforts for me though; it’s just that no man can ever sweep me off my feet like Christ did. I have been won by Jesus. I am swept away by His love, and no one can ever make me feel loved and glad more than what He has done.



So, to all the young ladies and single women reading this, I would like to encourage you to remind yourself that your worth is more than just a bouquet of beautiful roses. Don’t be easily swept away. Look at the man, who handed you those roses, does he reflect to you the Man who was crowned with thorns for your sake?

The Man named Jesus has long pursued you with His life. Let His love be your standard and basis of what love is. Again, be swept away by the eternal, unconditional love of Christ and not on the temporary, conditional love of this world. Not a bouquet of roses will ever satisfy you, only the Man crowned with thorns.

Not a bouquet of roses will ever satisfy you, only the Man who was crowned with thorns.



What is Your Biggest Dream in Life?

In my Biology class, I usually give time and opportunity for my students to ask me questions, whether that be my personal life, class-related, current events, hearsay, faith, politics, showbiz, anything under the sun or everything under the Son.

In one class, there’s a personal question that I have a hard time answering. One student asked, “Ma’am, what is your biggest dream in life?”

Basically, the answer to this question will sum up all my desires in this world. To be honest, I realized at that very moment, I do not have any grand dream for my life at all. It can be an awesome wedding or a fruitful married life and career. Or, it can be a PhD degree, my very own published book, a job that I love, or seeing most of the world and the northern lights. However, I can live and die without experiencing and having such things.

So, I respond with a very long pause and replied with,

 I am afraid I do not have any “big dreams”. I have nothing more to dream of. I feel complete already. I am happy and satisfied with my life. BUT, I really want to be with God and see Him face to face, even now I am ready.

My students were silenced by my answer. I told them that I do not fear death in this world. If it is the way that I can be with God, I would gladly welcome it. I even shared to them how I envy someone’s passing away because just the thought of a saint being reunited to his Maker is such a moment I am looking forward to experience myself. I really could not agree more to the apostle Paul, when he wrote:

My desire is to depart and be with Christ for that is far better. – Philippians 1:23

What dream could be even better than to hold hands with God in heaven for all eternity? Surely, there is nothing. So I sing these lines from a song,

There’s nothing more I want

There’s nothing more I need

Than to be with You, Jesus!

If someone has a good grasp of what heaven is and who God is, then even death can be an awesome day to look forward to. After all, death has no sting.

o death where is thy sting

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