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DOUBLE – MINDED: Of Cliff Diving and Stubborn Mind to Jump in Doubt

Last week has been an awesome one for me and my friends in the ministry. We have decided to spend the “holydays” at Zambales for camping and a whole lot more. This ‘whole lot more’ includes trekking and rock climbing plus cliff diving under the heat of a Friday noon.

Adventurous as I am, cliff diving has never been part of my to-do list in life. Getting to the cliff was already a challenge, but mind you, I was the very first one among my friends to get to the edge of the cliff, thinking only of getting there but not jumping. My sole intention of going to the cliff was to be with my friends who wanted to cliff dive. However, while we were on the edge of the cliff or the jump off point, a big part of me wants to jump. I was thinking of the fact that I am already there, why not jump, right? This may only happen once. I told my friends that I wanted to jump, so they cheered me up. They were the best cheering crowd ever!

After hours of attempting to jump and empty batteries of cellphones and cameras to capture my moment, I never jumped. I did not take that leap of desire. Fear was there inside me, but it did not consume me. I had faith. The reason why I did not jump was because I don’t have the peace of mind to do so. I even prayed in tongues while on the cliff, forgetting the fact that there were non-believers around us. Deep inside me, I was asking God to give me the go signal. I want to hear the still, small voice that says, “Go, Ram! Jump now!” But, there was none.

Will I jump because I really wanted to, even if I don’t have the peace inside me? Or, will I rest my case and let God smile at me?

I did not surrender easily though. My stubborn mind and strong desire to jump was strong, so I battled with my thoughts. Will I jump because I really wanted to, even if I don’t have the peace inside me? Or, will I rest my case and let God smile at me? There was a time when I really, really aimed to jump, shouting “I’m the queen of the world”, but to my surprise, I still failed to jump. It was as if there was a strong force that stopped and balanced my feet on the edge of the cliff, making me stand still.

My friends were right; I do not have to prove anything to them and to myself.  At the very first place, I reached that cliff without the desire to jump, yet I was only tempted because I was already there. How many humans had this temptation? I know I’m not alone.

Was it easy to give up my desire easily because God is not leading me? Definitely, it was not. I bargained of jumping from the not-so-high jump off point.

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There were lot of time that I placed myself in the verge of my desires over the peace within, and many times I jumped off, leading me to sin, regrets, pain and tears. These were the times that I considered the “what if’s” and the “why not God?” These were the times that I am so self-consumed that I dwell on the “I want it” over the “Will this please God?” These were the times that obedience was difficult, yet fulfilling. The cliff diving was just one of these times, and never did I regret that I failed to jump. I had the peace to go down and accept the fact that it wasn’t my moment yet.

I do not know what could have happened to me if I jumped off that high cliff, but one thing I am sure of, I had the peace of mind of not doing it double-mindedly. At the end of it all, I still want to jump off the cliff, maybe next time when my mind is at peace of doing so.

Kerzey, Ben and the rest of them who successfully jumped off the cliff were in full mind of jumping, while I was double-minded. This reminds me of Oswald Chamber’s words,

Never run before God’s guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt – don’t.

To dive into fun and excitement could have been very easy, but the consequence of disobedience will be very terrible. The choice will always be ours to make, to jump out of stubborn desire or to stay in peace.

 

Photo grabbed from therunwayjournal.com

 

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