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The thing about Love and Pain

“Pain demands to be felt”, and for many years, I tried to escape anything that can cause me pain. This is the reason why I can’t jump off cliffs because I’m afraid that when I fall, I might get hurt.

Lately, I have been posting on Social Media about the man I’m currently dating. I even created a hashtag for all my post about him, #CardoSavesTheDay, which is very new to me since I tried to escape love to avoid the pain it may bring.

For the first time in 28 years, I’ve openly told my family, friends, and friends of friends that there is one blessed man who’ve reached my heart and my Facebook timeline. It created a buzz to those who knew me as a strong, independent woman, most especially to those who know that I’m not the type who would share my dating status to anyone, much more on my public accounts. BUT, this time was different. I finally have the boldness and courage to open up and officially commit.

For those who knew me well, and I mean very well, they knew that I have commitment issues and that I really fear getting hurt. I’m afraid that when I decided to love, I will be left behind in the end, or I’ll be cheated on, and that eventually, I’ll be heartbroken. Things like these go inside my mind, that’s why I’m scared to love. I’m afraid of the love that may hurt me eventually.

My heart is guarded, but this time, I finally allowed someone in. I have been asked if I’m ready to be hurt, and I was surprised with my courageous and certain reply,

Pain is inevitable, but we choose our pain. We choose what’s worth it.

I cannot remember exactly where I’ve read those lines, but one thing is for sure, it made me believe that love is a decision and that I can choose my pain in the same way I decided to love.

If in time I’ll found myself hurting in this love that I chose, then I’ll make sure that it will be worth it. After all, there should be no fear in love, for even Love, Himself, suffered so much pain for someone unworthy as me.

Love is not insecure

These past few days, I felt jealousy creeping inside my heart. I am afraid of this feeling. I know that jealousy is not a characteristic of real love. It is a sign of insecurity.

It bothers me for days and nights. And, I realized that what I’m feeling isn’t right anymore. Or should I say, this is not the feeling that the God of love wanted me to have.

I must act on this feeling before it consumes me…

So, I finally decided to take the hard but the High way. I cry unto God to remove this growing jealousy immediately because I know that what I’m feeling is not from Him.

It’s a bit scary to think that once God moves, He will surely work His ways to the point of us getting broken into pieces for Him to make whole and new again. I am honestly afraid on how God will correct me and my emotions. I am afraid that as He pluck the wrong feelings, He will also remove a certain person or thing my life.

But, I trust Him for what is best. Now, I’m in the process of being mold again and I’m glad that I am, though it (really) hurts.

If there is one thing I learned in this heart matter, that is to trust and lift up to God all insecurities. He may remove it painfully, but it is always for the best.

Someday, this heart of mine will be swamped with uncertain emotions again, but one thing will remain certain – the feelings that I will only entertain and allow to grow is that of what comes from the Lord.

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Love is not insecure, for everything that comes from God comes with peace and security. When God gives, He adds no trouble in it.

I’ll be forever grateful that God’s love is beyond my finite’s mind understanding, as it secures me from everlasting to everlasting. And, with His love, there is not even a hint of reason to be jealous and insecure.